Sunday, March 15, 2009

Instructions for an Eventful Morning

1. Wake up with a burst of energy and a burning desire to paint your fingernails.
2. Bring clothes coordinating with your polish colors, as well as your make-up, into the bathroom, and set nail polish in front of them, admiring how well they match.
3. Lay towel down on the bathroom floor in case of spills, and take off old nail polish.
4. Spill bottle of Nail Polish Remover everywhere except the towel.
5. Scream, "NOOO!" and start mopping it up with your only available resource: toilet paper.
6. Start thinking of reasons why the stain on your mother's bathroom rug was definitely there before and consider which photos you can doctor to prove it.
7. Put on new nail polish.
8. Spill bottle of nail polish everywhere except the towel.
9. Scream, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD," and then realize you used all the toilet paper cleaning up the last spill.
10. Frantically search for a box of Kleenex in the bathroom cabinet, and then discover Kleenex sticks in the nail polish, giving it a fur-like effect, and that you have smeared it all over the rug.
11. Think of reasons why this stain was definitely there, too.
12. Take off pajamas, and put on clothes. Well, try. Learn that putting a bra on while your nails are wet is the hardest thing you've ever done.
13. Get full finger's worth of polish on the back of your favorite black bra.
14. Scream, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" and frantically try to wipe it off. End product should resemble a particularly untalented child's art project.
15. Try to wash it off with water.
16. Doorbell rings.
17. Remember that the AT&T guy is supposed to be over about now, and realize that you are the only one at home. 
18. Put on wet bra and a shirt and run downstairs, yelling, "I'm coming! Don't leave! I'm almost there!"
19. Discover it is a door-to-door salesman.
20. Squirm in wet bra, realize you are still wearing pink pajama pants, and eventually get him to leave by saying you're very ill and likely contagious. Cough for good effect.
21. Get phone call from AT&T  saying they are running late. Mutter to self.
22. Discover water and nail polish have transferred from bra to shirt.
23. Survey damage.
24. Put pajamas back on.
25. Leave note for mom explaining the current state of the bathroom.
26. Go back to sleep.

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